Sunday, May 8, 2011

Another Brindle-ism

Sometimes those journeys are longer.
Sometimes regular "Yes Transporter" just aint enough.
Sometimes some wanker like myself is stupid enough to actually pick up pen and paper and keep everyones score.
Yes.
That person becomes "DUNGEON MASTER"!
Being "Dungeon master" is brilliant.
You are like an in car GOD.
Yes,there are pit falls(like having to actually score for the bastards in the back seats) but these are nothing compared to the pompous air of superiosity you will instantly command when you take up the mantle as "DUNGEON MASTER"
Ok so this is how it works.
You write everyones name down on a piece of paper and you put a little tick by the persons name as and when they spot a "yes transporter" but hear come the good bit.
In "Declared Yes Transporter" there are other prizes to look out for.
These "PRIZES" are usually worthless and just for sport,
BUT,you can suddenly change the nature of the game and give a "WANKER"a "Transporter" value of 10!

IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN.

Here are a list of all the prizes to be found on your journey,but rememeber,LOOK OUT FOR THE PENALTY CLAUSE!

"MANOWAR" The noble Manowar is a house on the back of a lorry.
Not to be confused with a "Bogner Regis".The "Manowar" is the sort of home found in a trailer park.A caravan without the mobility option so to speak.
They tend to hang out over the side of a flatbed lorry causing congestion on smaller roads.

LEATHERFACE:A boat on a trailer

GOOBER PATROL"A canoe on a roof rack.(be careful.you don't want to call a "Goober patrol"only to discover to your dismay and your fellow travellers disgust that it is in fact a kayak.Oh the "SHAME".

PETE TOWNSEND:a black Volkswagon Lupo (fuck knows why?Ask Duncan.)

VANILLA POD:A mattress tied to the roof of a vehicle.
The Vanilla Pod is the Crown jewels of the motoring gamer.The most precious,rare sighting to be found in all of England.
Don't be tempted to "Fake" a Vanilla Pod.The"SHAME" that myself and Pwosion and Adam Stone suffered at the hands of Duncan Redmonds is something a mortal man cannot fathom.

LUTHER VANDROSS:A burger van or trailer(or similar mobile fast food establishment)

JOY DIVISION:A black taxi(but outside the M25)

SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK:bicycles on a roof rack.

WANKER:a Porsche.On calling a "wanker" the other players have to shout "WANKER" Too.Forget to shout "wanker" and YOU become a WANKER.

TOTAL CUNT MOUTH:A convertible sports car(with the hood down).The original "TOTAL CUNT MOUTH" was only "called" out of season,ie outside the Summer months of June/July.After a short debate and unanimous verdict it was decided that anyone with a convertable was a "Total Cunt Mouth"
On seeing a "Total Cunt Mouth",the "Spotter" must say "total Cunt mouth" but in the style of Masterchef legend Greg Wallace.
Players then have to poor scorn on the Convertable by screaming "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGH"Anyone not "Arrrrrrrrrghing"becomes a "Total Cunt mouth"
The "DUNGEON MASTER" also plays his part in the "TOTAL CUNT MOUTH",nominating a single lucky player to mutter under his breath,"Shitter".

"HORSEBOX!"

Good grief we all thought.Duncan's having a moment.

And he was,but it was a regulated moment and all part of the fantastic new game that's taking the highs and byways of England by storm.

Play "HORSEBOX" today and feel part of the pack.

Here's the rules:
Like "Yes Transporter" it is played on a journey.Unlike yes Transporter,there is a clear "Winner",so is likely to appeal to the more traditionally masculine amongst us in the "Non anarchic punk rock community"
Like "Yes transporter","Horsebox" is bellowed with excitement at the sighting of a horsebox.
Well done.You've got ya 1st.Let that warm feeling trickle down your chest and into your trousers.Pride isn't a bad thing in moderation.
Horsebox is a gentlemans game.
Don't be surprised to be patted on the shoulder by your friends.
So who's the "Winner"?
Well,Horsebox isn't about how many you see.
A stationary horsebox can still be called.
The noble horsebox in a muddy paddock is worth no more than the one causing congestion on the A1 outside of Durham.
So who wins then you'll be asking yourself?
The answer is simple.
The last horsebox spotted on your journey to tonights "non anarchic punk rock venue" is the winner.
Horsebox isn't about quantity.
Horse box is about QUALITY and the last one spotted really is the diamond of the pack.
Surely there must be more to it?How can such a simple game gain such worldwide recognition?
Here's the answer.

HORSEBOX PENALTY CLAUSE

Call a cattle trailer?
Call a sheep trolley?
SHAME ON YOU.AND SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY!!!!!
Yes.The penalty is severe.
your family is "SHAMED".
You won't find Redmonds calling a "Foul" Horsebox.
He wouldn't put his nearest and dearest through the "SHAME".
And it won't be forgotten in a hurry.I'm frequently called "SHITTERMOUTH" by my band mates when a cattle truck is spotted.
Yes,i called a fake horsebox.
I won't be taking those kind of risks again.
A Horsebox risk taker is known as a "Shittermouth".
An unpleasant term to describe someone who has "shit"quite literally in his or her mouth.
Trust me.Those risks aint worth taking.

"BOG VAN"

I appreciate that a fair few of you would of been put through ones paces with the last chapter.
I was left breathless writing it.But we are realists.We accept that life has it's ups and downs."Horsebox" mirrors life and so through horsebox,one comes close to death too.
Having friends call you "Shittermouth" is no picnic.
Survival of the fittest.
Life is no picnic.

"BOG VAN" however is a win win winner for all and sundry.
Bog van is a jolly holiday light hearted fun jaunt around a wooded glade compared to "horsebox".
A bog van spotted is a bog van spotted for all!
What is a "Bog Van"?

A bog van is a portable lavatory on the back of a trailer or on a flatbed lorry or truck.
On spying a "Bog van",one declares in a light hearted tone "BOG VAN" whence you turn to see your friends all smiling at you and admiring your dicovery.
Suddenly you are everyones favourite traveller.The "hunter gatherer" of the band.
Well done.We're proud of you.And YOU should be proud of yourself.

TBC


By Alex Brindle-Johnson via cementyoucunt

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